There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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