i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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