I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
