I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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