My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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