New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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