Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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