I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize
