im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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