Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
