just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.