you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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