**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Randomize
