paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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