She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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