oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
