You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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