My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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