Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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