someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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