True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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