Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
