I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
