It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My feet surprised me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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