I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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