No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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