Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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