New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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