Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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