there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
