dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize