Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
