I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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