When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
