there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
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I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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