I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
