We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
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I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
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Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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