quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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