i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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