If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize