New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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