Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
