u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
