My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
