FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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