Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
