I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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