if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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