1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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