He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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