She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
