Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
