There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
