Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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