I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
this boner is exhausting
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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